Kicked While she's down
I guess counting on family, that blood is thicker than water, is a dumbass move in my world. The only family I can apparently count on lives in Georgia or I've made online, or lives in Texas or Canada. The only people I can fall back on can't help me because they're neck deep in troubles themselves and heaven forbid I ever ask my nearest family members, the people who FUCKING RAISED ME, to lend me a hand the ONE TIME I ask the for help in 5 years.
that's right people, FIVE FUCKING YEARS. Not once have I told them how much I struggle. How difficult life is. How chasing my dreams and reaching for my stars is killing me because money is the ever so important variable to my equation that I cannot solve for. Never have I let them know how bad things are for me in health both mental and physical and then, once, just once, I ask for true help, and what do I get? A great big ol' 'Fuck you Fishie. We won't help you because you aren't working.'
I'm not working? That's what this is about? I'm not working, not going to school, not... anything YOU planned that YOU wanted that YOU dreamed? You won't help me because I'm doing what I wanted and planned and dreamed since I could form a sentence?I thought the world was about growing up, chasing down, catching and living your dreams. I thought that I was doing the right thing chasing down, catching and living my dream. I thought that I was making people proud.
I guess trying to make money in my dream or Writing, in my dream of Drawing and in my dream of Horse Training is just not good enough, it's not a job, it's not consistent, it doesn't count.
I guess living on borrowed time and driving a car that's so unreliable I could have an accident at any moment because some asshole cut the wires in it all over the place and it's more expensive to fix than the clunker is worth is just fine for them. They don't care if I have an accident.
And when I'm down on my knees begging, which I don't do, I guess that's the perfect time to grab the luoisville slugger and give me a few good wacks because that's exactly how I feel right now.
beaten while I'm fucking down.
Well you know what? Games not fucking over.
It's bottom of the 9th, home team is ahead by 1 run and I'm at bat, bases are loaded
what the fuck are you going to do when I bring everyone in then? What are you going to say when, lo and behold, my dreams pay off? My hopes, my plans, my goals.
I'm not afraid any more. I'm not a child any more. I'm not hiding any more. Ever. Again.
If you want to talk to me YOU CAN PICK UP THE FUCKING PHONE AND CALL ME IT'S NOT THAT DIFFICULT.
You want to see me? You know where I live, show up, say 'hi', be the kind of person you should be, used to be, I remember, not the kind of person you're turning into.
Thank you. So much. EVER SO FUCKING MUCH. for abandoning me in a time of serious need. For turning your backs on me when I thought things were better now, that we were better now. I guess I was wrong for thinking you'd be proud of me for making my dreams come true.
I guess I was wrong about a lot of things.
how many more things am I going to be wrong about?
It's your pitch, wind it up and let it go. We'll see what happens. Will it be a strike, will it be a ball, or will it be that sweet spot I'm looking for, the one that I hit and off, away it goes center field, over the fence and gone.
I'm done struggling to make you proud. I'm done struggling to make you happy. It's not making ME happy, it's making ME miserable.
I'm done. This is my game now. And I'm going to win, come hell or highwater, I. AM. GOING. TO. WIN.
People ask me why do i sleep so much? Why do I not keep a job? Why do i not go to school? Get up, whats wrong with you? Get out of the house more! Why do you have a horse? They're expensive get rid of it!
My doctor asks me, 'what did you do today? How bout this week?' and when i tell him nothing or I went to the barn he smiles and says 'lets try a new medication. When you go to the barn what do you do first? Do you dress up?'
'Sometimes, but i go to play with not just my horse but three beautiful old babies that dont ever see their owners. Getting fancy wont help when i come away covered in dirt and horse hair.'
'How do you feel afterwards?'
'On top of the world. Like i can finally face my problems if not head on then with fists up at least.'
'So its good for you. Keep doing it. Can you try getting out for anything else?'
'Well i play pool.... But i don't like bars and it's boring by yourself.'
'Why dont you like bars?'
'Other then the fact that my family swears that i get drunk every time i go to a bar when I dont? They're loud, crowded and -old- men hit on me.'
'But you dont like the things kids your age like?'
'I like riding horses, but the riders around me are a different style and sadly they do fit the stigma of jumpers = snotty'
'No friends you can take to the barn?'
'Sometimes, but not many. They dont care for it or they're busy and i dont want to bother them'
'Drawing and reading but i dont talk when i do that'
And then he hands me a new ANTIDEPRESSANT and tells me to TRY and get out more, but not to force it. Then we talk MIGRAINES- ohmy migraines when do i NOT have one? oh, thats right once or twice a month i have non-migraine days but i still have headaches. So yet another new ( and extremely expensive medication ) joins the rest.
'and your anxiety?' he asks me
'Not improving.' another new pill.
'What about insomnia?'
'Well that one med worked for a while but I have to double it to sleep now and thats to get 3 or 4 hours of sleep if it knocks me out' a new pill, this time we are running out of options because i have tried so many.
'Anything else?' and i smile at him and dont tell him how my back is in chronic pain, which would have me rushed to the ER because he's afraid of my pain tolerance. I dont tell him about my wrist or neglected dislocated shoulder or my ankle that still hasnt healed or any of the pain i have.
'No sir, thats it, thank you'
And i leave feeling no better than when i go in.
End result? Im still in pain inside and out, my head still kills me, i cant sleep, i cant handle crowds or open rooms to my back, i cant get out of the house without serious effort and end up with not on but three serious panic attacks. I have to keep an inhaler with me because i have asthma since childhood that never got treated because it was too 'minor' before; oh but of course i only developed that as an adult according to some people because of smoking and bars.
You ask me 'why wont you -whatever-'
I ask you 'why should i bother? Why should i try?'
You yell at me for being stupid, its all in my head. I sighn your right whatever just shut up my head cant take it.
I go home and cry but i dont sleep and i dont tell anyone because who will fucking listen to me? Who will believe blme when im SCREAMING at you for help, to just listen?
My closest friends have a child to raise or live in another country. Where am I going to turn for support? I have spent so long supporting everyone else. I just want to stop. I want to find me, because i lost me somewhere in the swirling, chaotic vortex that consumed my life and never went away. I'd compare it to a tornado but at least those are beautiful, awesome, breath taking. This is just... A leech. Draining everything I am and giving nothing back.
You ask me, and everyone does, 'why dont you get a job, go to school, get a life, do this or that or whatever'
Well this is me telling you, for all it is worth, i am trying. i have tried. I do try. But just getting up during the day is hard enough. My doctor is happy if i at least get up and do something different at home ( maybe i read maybe i write maybe i draw maybe i clean or maybe i talk to people ) he's happy with small steps.
Why cant you be?
Words can be more detrimental then sticks and stones. Just remember that.
My commentsI dunno..... I dunno what to say
Im not sorry for the text block. I needed to get it said. I dont want pity me comments. I just want understanding. I will disable comments if people start pitying me. That doesnt help. You think it does but it doesnt.